December 7th, 2017

I'm just laying here in my bed trying to comprehend what's going on. It seems that every time I put my fingers to a keyboard to write about myself and what's really going on inside, I just end up blank and unable to really make any head way. I am accepting all of this happily and with understanding. I see myself getting older and things are just becoming more developed. Of course, a thousand times already I've dissected my life and gotten to an understanding of the way things are going. Do I fear death? I do because life is so grandiose. It seems sad to leave all of this behind and just move on. I love my wife. I love my daughter. I love my dog. I love being alive and enjoying this beautiful world that God has given us. I do feel very strong inside actually. It's just that in the bustle of everything, I just lose track a bit and get sucked into the routine and cycle that have been identifiable to me. I'm working really hard on finishing school right now. Every time I mention it, I say 'finishing' because it somehow gives me more legitimacy in my own eyes when I see that I'm 24, married with a daughter and expecting a second. Things have certainly developed and still I'm looking for something. I think that mentally I just need to settle down and accept what life has given me with open arms and with unwavering courage. As James said, one should ask for God for courage without wavering. I really do want to just be accepted fully into God's grace. I'm just concerned about giving up the physical pleasures of life. But in reality, when I will be growing and learning, it won't be considered giving up, since the alternative is bad. I am going to really become a man and conquer myself and the world. Every type of weakness I have ever seen in the world or in myself has to do with the perspective through which I have looked. What being alive has taught me is that no two moments are the same. Each has its own potential and actuality. Right now, this very moment, is very special and one that has been decided upon. It's my own opportunity for strength. I will become strong in body, mind, and spirit. I am going to calmly, gracefully, and yet with overwhelming ferocity, embark on and actualize the mission that God has placed me here to do. I want to keep writing here on this page, so that I have the avenue to actually express what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling.

A thought

Everything that happens to you has been ordained. What ordained means is purposeful and for the sake of instructing in body, mind, and spirit.